Reality Check for the Divas

Molly: Well, Diva 1 needs an attitude check—or some kind of calming medication… anyone have some Valium I can put in her granola? 

Today was kind of an off day for the divas.  I was awoken early this morning by mother rummaging through her drawers (yes, she had really made herself at home at the Fairmont), and from then on my energy levels have just been shot.  Maybe because I was promised breakfast in bed.  And not just any breakfast in bed, but good breakfast, actually in my bed.  What did I get?  I got my leftover pizza from last night thrown at me.  I was very upset. 

But I quickly tried to act nice and forgive Anne for her shortcomings in the breakfast department.  But alas.  She drug me out of the Fairmont.  When the kind bellman came to the room to get my things (Diva 1 had already gone downstairs)  I told him I wasn’t leaving.  I don’t think he really understood me because he didn’t know what to do with my bags.  He just kept saying “Miss Saint, if you are not leaving, then I will not take your bags!” I finally had to tell him that I was just kidding. 

So we leave the Fairmont and I pitch a small fit to myself until I finally have to man up and take over the Navigator position because Diva 1 just cannot drive in cities.  So we finally get out of the wonderful city of Seattle and we go to the Shell station to get gas, because Anne has ¾ of a tank but clearly that is not going to be enough to comfortably drive.  We are always filling up at ½ a tank or more.  I have never run out of gas, but I mean, I like the color of my gas light when it flashes—its hot pink.  I’m just saying.  Live a little.

So we get into this Shell station and keep in mind, we were going to go to where the Twilight movies were filmed, up in Forks, but it was way out of the way, and I didn’t want to get on a tour bus, or drive anymore than we had to, and I really am not that big of a Twilight fan anyway…so Anne goes to the ladies room and I run smack into MeeMaw who is wearing a “I want Emmet to make me sparkle” button on her shirt.  I am dying inside.  I have to ask her, “Is that button you’re wearing a Twilight reference?”  Obviously it was a yes.  She was from Forks.  I couldn’t contain myself, but I was a little better at self-control without Diva 1 laughing too.  So I told her I just had to have her picture.  She invited me to come to Forks for a tour and to celebrate Bella’s birthday with her.  By this time I had to politely thank her and move on because I couldn’t hold myself together anymore.  I’m still dying.  You are too old to want a fictional teenage vampire to make you sparkle.  Let’s be honest, she was probably 115. 

After this run-in, we knew we had to get out of south Washington.  So, we go driving down the 101 (while I play Phantom Planet’s “California”) since we’re kind of headed that way.  The 101 in Washington and northern Oregon is a let-down.  Anne had to cross a huge bridge (she hates bridges) and I swear she nearly passed out trying to look down and drive across.  In addition to this, the entire bridge-ride in the car, she tells me about how if we drove off we would probably die on impact.  I rolled down my window, because I left my window underwater breaker at home.  At least we weren’t running from the law today. 

Then we go to Astoria, Oregon where I wanted to go originally, on the coast to find a nice waterfront restaurant in which to have lunch.  Obviously, having a nice idea like this was just setting us up to fail.  So we go in, rustic walls, a “seat yourself” place with two rooms.  I head to the back so that we can try and get a seat by the water.  I’m just going to have to let Anne tell you about this place, but let me just say, I rank their bathrooms a 2/10 (yes, just like that gas station a few posts ago) and McDonald’s has better chicken fingers than this place.

After this, we get back on the road.  Anne is feeling a little sassy and pulls off the road once to let me out.  I didn’t get out of the car, but I told her she could.  She then tells me that she is going to “sell me on eBay.”  OK, maybe I’ll be listed next to the scraps of clothing someone is trying to sell of hers; in between that and Michael Jackson’s white glove.  Bid high, y’all.

She then tries to stop and show me every “Tsunami Evacuation Route” sign.  This is her latest of natural disaster threats/scares that she is trying to instill in me to come back to Nashville for college.  Apparently, there is going to be an earthquake, volcano eruption, and tsunami all at once.  Unfortunately for me, she says, I’m going to have to rent a car in order to escape.  Pity.  I’ll take pictures when this grand event occurs.

Beside that, we are now in the hotel in Portland, Oregon.  I am ready for a full night’s sleep.  I have my earplugs and my complimentary sleeping mask so that I have to neither hear nor see Diva 1 in the night.  Just the way I like it! 

PS.  Anne and I got into a debate about care packages today.  She said she won’t send them.  I object.  If I have a mailing address, it’s so someone (i.e. my MOTHER) can send me lots and lots of mail! Someone please talk some sense into her!

Anne:  I think I need to be on something…you know, not something too strong, but just something to take the edge off. Nine days now we’ve been on the road. We are in Oregon tonight, California tomorrow night, and then on to Santa Clara or San Jose or wherever our final destination is. We drove most of the day not knowing whether we were in Washington or Oregon. As usual, the ex-navigator can’t read the map still and our phones had no service much of the way. Tomorrow I know we go to California, and that’s our last state. We spend four nights there. But earlier today…

I had to drag Molly out of the Fairmont in Seattle. Literally, drag. She wouldn’t get up after 12 hours of REM sleep. She never even moved a muscle when the car detailing place in Franklin called at 5 a.m. our time to see if I wanted my car IN FRANKLIN detailed. NO was my answer. So…I’ve been up since 5 waiting for someone to complete her sleep cycle. Obviously, it was not completed since she has been cranky and sassy all day. Little Diva rejected her Japanese breakfast that room service was all set to deliver, so I gave her some leftover pizza from last night –in bed. Gosh, and all she did was whine. How ungrateful can one Diva be???? She was in a bad mood the rest of the day!  She just hates this picture!

We did get out of Seattle and onto the highway with no incidents, although we did have to go around the block by the Fairmont once or twice since our navigational system (Molly) still wasn’t awake. Once we made it onto the highway, we were fine. We did stop at another Shell station on our way to Oregon. I got gas, went in to find the ladies room. When I came out, Molly was more excited than I’d seen her since we saw the UFO Tracker in whatever town that was. She had not only talked to a strange woman, but this woman posed so Molly could take her picture! I’m sure she’ll tell you more about it, but let me just say: these are not our kind of people.

So, we find the coastal highway and enjoy the scenery for a few hours. But we were getting hungry, so we stopped in this coastal town, Astoria. Doesn’t the name just sound glamorous? Well, the restaurant where we chose to have lunch had not seen the health department in say, 40 years. We get to the back so we could enjoy a nice view of the water, but to see the water, we had to look past a wooden moose, a railroad lantern and a fake pine tree, all on the shelf beside our table and blocking our view of the ocean. I even reigned in my desire to dust all three. There is one waitress for three tables. Molly and I were nice and polite and showing  our aforementioned impeccable manners and breeding. The waitress forgot to bring us menus, and then she brought the wrong soup, then the wrong entrees. But we smiled through it all because the people from Missouri next to us were so awful. They kept telling the waitress they were hillbillies. She said “that’s okay, I’m a hillbilly, too. I thought you were from around these parts.” Well, I looked over at them, and they were not pretty people. Not only that, but the woman at the table stood up and didn’t have any shoes on. This is no lie. She had on socks, but no shoes. I don’t know if she wore shoes in or had taken them off at the table. I don’t know about you, but we don’t take our shoes off in restaurants. So..we hurried out of there as fast as we could. We will NEVER go back. This is the last time Diva Number Two makes our dining suggestions. Let’ see: she has been fired as navigator, tour director and restaurant guide.

Molly thinks I don’t want her to go to school in California. Nothing could be further from the truth. I just wanted to point out to her that we were on a tsumani evacuation route in case she ever needed to know. After all, I lived on the Gulf Coast and knew where the hurricane evacuation routes were. She thinks I want her to come home. HA. I did happen to mention that the Fairmont did have a section in its guest book about what to do in case of an earthquake. You know, she needs to be aware of these natural disasters. I am also sad to report that when we unpacked tonight, her bear safety and spray information booklet had been placed in the same bag as my wet bathing suit. I am hoping when it dries, she will still be able to read it.

Tonight, Michael has booked us into a nicer hotel than he has booked us in so far. We are happily in our beds and about to go to sleep. We have a long drive tomorrow, maybe through the Redwood Forest, but who would know?

P.S. Diva Number 2 is now lying in bed with her lavender scented ear plugs and her eye mask on like the true diva that she is.  She never so much as offered me a squirt of lavender from the ONE kit that came with our room.

More tomorrow, we are having computer issues tonight!  Leave us comments!

xoxo,

Anne & Molly