Divas on the Run

Molly: The divas are on the run….from the law.  It’s a long story.  I’ll start with the beginning.

This morning, I made us the “Guests of the Day” at our hotel. We got a sign and everything.  We also saw many an interesting character with us at the terrible breakfast bar.  They were obviously not Guest of the Day material. The photo at the top says "WELCOME GUESTS OF THE DAY ANNE & MOLLY SAINT"  Yes.

So then we get on the road, happy to leave what we thought was Spokane, until we got into the real Spokane which we thought was adorable.  So why were we in a sketchy (READ: PET FRIENDLY, some dog licked mom and she just about had a conniption) hotel on the outskirts? I don’t know, you should ask our travel agent, Mike.  That hotel was NOT diva-ready.

So, then we pass some mountains, all of which Mom tells me are probably volcanoes waiting to erupt.  She is such a sass.  I have paid her back for her cruelty by brushing my teeth in front of her. (She throws up when she sees people brushing their teeth; so weird.)

Anyway, so I plug in my headphones to my computer to watch Grey’s Anatomy in order to mentally prepare myself for arriving in Seattle.  This was a great idea, why didn’t I think of watching a movie before?  This gave Anne some much needed quiet time where I guess she had a little too much fun because the next thing I know I see some flashing lights behind us, and we are pulling off the side of the interstate.

Oh yes, this is the actual photo.  If you look in the right mirror it is the blue & red flashing lights of the Washington State Police.

I know you’re giggling.  I’m giggling.  Anne is bitter.  She was going 14 over, and she asked the non-sense-of-humor-posessing officer if he was REALLY going to give her a ticket.  He said yes.  She then proceeded to tell him: “I see you’re married officer.”  “Yes, ma’m.”  “If you give us a ticket, we are going to have less shoe money to use at Nordstrom.  My shoe budget is depleting.”  He did not seem to care.  What an unsympathetic person.  This kind of reminds me of my failed attempt to impress Grizzly Adams.  But Mom was clearly victimized here.  So, we sit there and sit there and wait for him to ring up our registration while I try and take a picture of him in the rearview mirror.  When he comes to the car with our ticket, I asked if I could take his picture.  He barked no.  Such a sass, obviously he didn’t want to be famous.  Mom then went on to discuss the regional geography with him hoping he would give us our $144 back.  Fail.  So, we drove on, going below the speed limit for the rest of our trek to Seattle.  I called Dad to tell him about it and Sarah Riley answered.  She told me she “just couldn’t handle talking to us about this” and quickly passed the phone to Dad.  Oh the therapy that I will be in after this trip…

The police officer told Mom that she could contest the ticket in court but I honestly don’t think that Mom will ever make her way back to 50 miles outside of Seattle again…so she’s going to write a check.  Story of her life.  Diva Number 2 has never gotten a ticket.  What an angel.  Neither has Dad.  Neither has Sarah Riley (who has only had her license for 6 weeks).  Who is the black sheep in the family?  You guessed it, Diva 1. 

When we finally got to Seattle, we were exhausted and had not stopped talking about our run-in with the law.  Mom continues to tell everyone she sees about being victimized by the Washington police force.  The driver to the Space Needle, the concierge, the check-in staff, the waiter, I mean like, you would have thought that we had been involved in a low-speed chase caught on video via helicopter and aired on CNN for the amount of people that have heard about our time with the sheriff.  But, we checked into the Fairmont (THIS IS MY HOME.) and we are feeling VERY diva-like and much more comfortable.  Our travel director Mike is getting a thumbs up for this one. Then we go to the Space Needle and that was fun because a.) the views were gorgeous and b.) we saw some of the most desperate fashion crises that we have seen in two states.  Here are some photos:  If you look at any of these photos and say to yourself, "wait, what's so wrong with that?" or "wait, that's in my closet" you have some issues.  If you are thinking "that might be a relative of mine..." we are sorry for posting their photo!

OK, I just need to clarify that my wonderful mother has made me sound very egotistical.  If there were not photos of me, the Indian-spirtiualist/on-the-run-from-her-past woman would not be in any of them either and then all you would get would be photos of open road.  Besides, she’s always telling me to get in a picture with something.  I’m just letting you know.  I am not THAT vain.

OH OH OH and I forgot to mention, from our second post how we joked about how there was no Louis Vuitton?  Guess what is literally 10 feet away from our hotel?!

So to wrap up, here’s some shopping tips for you from the divas since we are all focused on our Nordstrom day tomorrow!

1. Get your purse down to shopping weight= less than 5 pounds.

2. Wear something comfortable but nice, and easy to slip on and off.

3. Shop for shoes in the afternoon when your feet are the largest they will be all day.

4. Look nice and you will be treated nice.

5. Don’t buy things just because they are on sale.  This is a big mistake.  If you wouldn’t have paid full price for it, then it’s not worth the bargain (usually!).

6. Don’t judge an item on the hanger.  Try it on!

7. Thank Dad frequently and profusely!

8. Don’t ever shop with a boy.  Ever.  They are so sassy, and impatient.

THE END!

Anne: Of all the days we’ve been on the road…I just can’t even begin to tell you about our adventures today. And this was supposed to be a day of nothing but driving…First, I will say that the Church of God convention at our Holiday Inn Express morphed into a survivalist’s convention by Sunday morning. We didn’t see any of the women this morning, but the men were ready to live the next six or seven years inside a bunker from the looks of them. I bet they came to town to take a bath in the hotel bathroom and then went to Costco to get supplies. I just don’t even have the vocabulary to describe it. Molly never did get any fashion hair tips like I was hoping. And if that wasn’t enough, this was a pet-friendly hotel. Some dog came up unexpectedly and licked my leg. I love animals, but not in my hotel. The little circus dog did calm down during the night. Good thing I didn’t call the front desk to complain—they had a dog sitting on a stool behind the desk. A live one.

So, we get in the car and stop and get gas and the car washed since we are still trying to represent you, our people, well and we want a nice looking Chevrolet amidst all of the RV’s and campers and travel trailers. (But this is another story for another day). And, of course, Molly wouldn’t eat breakfast at the motel with all the survivalists, so she chose to dine at the Shell station instead. Anyway, we got on the road and I told her that today we should look at ourselves and work on our failings and shortcomings instead of being critical of our fellow Americans like we were yesterday. I was kind of feeling guilty last night when I thought maybe we had been too cruel and harsh and judgmental, and after all, I am still the mother and trying to set a good example. So, I say, “Molly, I think we should spend this morning thinking about how we can be better people and what we can do to improve ourselves.” She looked at me and this is honestly what she said, “I don’t know what you mean. I know all about your faults, though.” Honestly, she said that.  I’m going to have to have a talk with Little Diva before she gets to college…

Molly plugged in her laptop and watched a movie while I drove on and on, over hill and over dale. Keep in mind Molly has driven six minutes this entire trip. But I am driving, trying to pass these RV’s and these tin cans that are EVERYWHERE out here. We are going up a mountain, and I am trying to get past all of these vehicles. I noticed a plane overhead flying kind of low, but it was foggy and rainy and we had to get to the Fairmont so we could rest up for our shopping trip tomorrow. All of a sudden, I see a cop car flying behind me and I mean, directly behind me. Of course, I get pulled over by someone with absolutely NO sense of humor. Molly wanted to take his picture, but he cut her short. He did NOT want to be part of the blog. He told us everyone today was getting a ticket, no warnings. Anyway, I am $144 short in the shoe money department now. Combined with the $54 Molly still owes me (see previous blogs) and the money I had to spend when we bailed on the Yellowstone tour, I might be able to purchase one pair of one-size-fits-all bedroom slippers. (Michael, you might want to read this part several times because I know by now you are feeling very sorry for us and you will call and say “just get what you want.”) I’m waiting on that call…

Anyway, we made it to the wonderful Fairmont and checked in, called the hotel car and went to the Space Needle. It was great. We got lots more pictures of you-know-who with the Seattle are in the background. I’m sure she will post one or ten of them any minute.

Oh, and the most fun part of today, which I almost forgot about, was our scenic detour to look at the mountains outside of Seattle before my unfortunate run-in with the law. The sign said “Watch for Rattlesnakes.” Well, she could walk through the trail if she wanted, but this Diva was going to observe nature from the safety of the Grey Goose. So off Molly goes with her ever-present camera. When she got back in the car, we saw several men picking up giant rocks and throwing them at something that we can only assume was a rattlesnake. If the bears didn’t get her, I guess the rattlesnakes won’t, either!

We had a wonderful meal and are back in our room. We are getting our clothes out for tomorrow and getting our purses down to shopping weight. We have to be at the Rack at 9:30. We thought we would go there first so we could save money. Michael, did you read that line?

While Molly posts her pictures, I will be writing a check to the po-po in Washington state. Until tomorrow…

We will see y’all tomorrow!  Leave us comments!

Xoxo,

Anne & Molly

Molly's Sidebar: I was feeling very self conscious because normally, we read our blogs back to each other and that’s how I decide if mine is funny or not—if Mom laughs.  Tonight, there was silence from the sofa.  I just told her how I felt and she replied “It’s funny, but honestly, I’d already read yours while you were in the bath.”  The traitor.  Goodnight!

Beautifying America, One Tourist at a Time

Molly: Well, we are now in Spokane, Washington.  (SPO-CAN) not (SPO-CANE) the divas have been corrected several times.

We started out from Big Sky this morning.  The photo at the top is the picture of the sunset last night over the mountain.  Last night we had two more bear sightings of a mama bear and two cubs.  Very cute from a distance.  Mom told them they could have me for dessert. 

So last night, we fulfilled my fortune from last week saying that I needed to watch a movie to relax this weekend.  We watched “Remember Me.”  It was okay, worse than I expected, plus I had to shield Anne’s eyes during all the inappropriate parts.  I need to protect her innocence.  However, I was not relaxed.

So this morning, Mom went to meet with the manager (the brother of a college friend) and I stayed in bed.  I woke up at 9 feeling fully rested (it probably has something to do with the fact that I finally completed all of my REM cycles) and see a text from 8:10 am.  It’s from Anne.  “Please do the laundry.”  I always knew there was a reason I keep my phone on silent while I sleep.

So we leave around 9:30 and start our trek deep into Montana, over to Idaho, and into Washington State.  We are heading towards Seattle, and the Nordstrom Flagship Store.  Oh the things that keep us going.  So we start out on the road and the ever-talkative Anne is telling me all about the Lewis and Clark expeditions.  It helps to have an eye witness account.  She also sees that I am not paying attention anymore so she yells “LOOK! A CAMEL!”  Of course I looked.  She lied.  

Now, these Divas have been a week without being pampered.  We even had to stop at K-mart to buy Diva 1 some rollers.  So, today, we (ie. Diva 1) were being a little critical of our fellow Americans on the road while driving. Anne has decided that if she doesn’t see some big hair soon I’m probably going to have to get up early and fix mine.  Next thing we know she will have bought me a “Bump It”.  Then, we get on the road leaving Missoula (which we loved) and I look over to this really outdoors-y woman sitting next to us in a bright red pickup truck.  Not in a mean way, (just a truthful way) I said “wow, she really needs to get her roots done.”  Anne looks over, agrees and adds, “she could REALLY use a face lift.”  After this, Anne did private plastic surgery consultations for everyone we passed via our car.  There probably weren’t too many places to get some work done in the prairie. 

This really went on all day.  The fashion police made several arrests, (this photo is from Jackson Hole and let’s keep in mind that Diva 1 made me do it because I am way too nice of a person to exploit someone else like this).  We were worried his pants were going to fall down before dinner.  We were very busy.  You know it’s bad when Anne doesn’t care about what music is playing because she’s too busy evaluating and giving a mental makeover to the person driving next to us.  She wanted me to get some sticky notes out of the backseat so she could write down her suggestions and we could toss it into their car.  Someone please adopt me.

So then we went to Missoula, Montana, which we loved.  It was cute and beautiful with the mountains we found a diner called “Ruby’s.”  It was an experience and the food was okay, but let me just tell you those bathrooms rank a 2/10 which is about the same as a port-a-potty at Steeplechase if you get there BEFORE 9 am.  The divas also double as the bathroom police around these parts.  We have not found a roadside bathroom that we have been satisfied with yet.  This is an issue, America.

In other news, Anne reminded me about 5 times how the “land was formed by frequent and deadly earthquakes that could happen at any moment.”  She also told me that “every mountain top is probably a volcano” and she thought “they could erupt at any time.”  I hope a bear eats her in her sleep.  I’ve armed myself with my own peanut butter this time.

She then told me that since California has a bear on the state flag, she thinks that a bear is “going to come grab me” on the walk to the library.  She followed with this positive statement: “At least your obituary will be entertaining.”  So uplifting.

So now we are in Spokane and our travel consultant/secretary Mike has booked us into a hotel that I wont lie, exceeded our incredibly low expectations.  So we ordered Chinese takeout again.  My fortune is “Courage comes through suffering.”  Obviously someone up there understands the situation I am facing with my mother. 

Anne: How could a seven-hour drive turn into so much fun? But first, let’s start at the beginning. While you-know-who was completing her REM cycle (I don’t even know what that is, but she apparently needs it EVERY day), I was enjoying a nice cup of coffee when I saw a table with Sen. Max Baucus (D-MT) and three ambassadors from the Pacific Rim. (I think. It was early and I hadn’t had my coffee yet). They were having a nice breakfast meeting. Only my impeccable Southern breeding and manners are keeping me from turning tonight’s blog into a political statement. I did do a little ranting to Molly in the car, but she turned a deaf ear. She hid the bear spray from me, too. She is a very mean person.

Anyway, when I saw the resort manager, he asked about our trip, and I was telling him all about it and how we got lost and went to Kansas. What was the first thing he said? “You should have gotten a Garmin!” Such a man thing to say. I had to explain to him that shoes came first and we had no problem stopping and asking for directions…No Garmin needed!

We had a very nice time, and we hated to leave Big Sky country, but we had lots of driving to do today. We needed to make it to Spokane in time to watch the Alabama-Penn State game, which was my first priority. But the drive went on and on and on. Finally, there was nothing to do but talk about the passengers we passed. I made a small, but accurate observation, that it had been a long time since we’d seen anyone pretty. (Except for Molly. She made me write that.) Or any big hair. Or any makeup, except on us, of course. There were two nice looking women in Jackson Hole, but that was days ago. I  also mentioned that it had been a long time since we had seen any big hair, you know, Texas-style hair. Well, about 10 minutes later, we passed what reminded me of a Volkswagen van, but was probably an older Toyota van. Mawmaw and Pawpaw were inside, but on the shelf in the back was a wig stand completed with a big-haired wig. I didn’t mention this to Molly because we were having “quiet time” and if I interrupted it, she would just run that motor mouth through two more states. So I just observed it by myself. I did mention that if we had some sticky notes and some rocks, we could toss them into the open truck windows as we went by and offer some suggestions to our fellow travelers…just doing what we can to beautify America. But I would never be so mean. Molly would, but not me.

We got off the interstate and toured Missoula for a little while. That is where my father was stationed toward the end of WWII. He loved it and couldn’t decide whether to live there or Guntersville, Alabama. Hhmmm. They reminded me of each other except one is cold for six months out of the year and one is cold for six weeks.

So, while we were there, we enjoyed a delicious lunch at Ruby’s café. Molly was so enamored of this hole-in-the -wall that she asked our waitress if they sold t-shirts. She replied that they didn’t but she sure wished they did so she wouldn’t have to wear her nice clothes to work. We looked at her and she was wearing black sweatpants and a Montana Grizzly tee shirt. Hhmmm. Once again, my impeccable manners kept me from falling out of my chair! We got back on the road so we could make the game in time. Finally, we got to Spokane on our way to the mother-ship Nordstrom’s and find our hotel that Michael has booked for us. The parking lot was packed and when we got here, we found we were in the middle of a Church of God convention at our hotel. Not much hootin’ and hollerin’ from the bar, just a yapping circus dog in the room next door. If I were Hugh, I wouldn’t hesitate to make some comments, but I will refrain. But you get the picture.

That’s it for tonight…we are tired. Roll Tide!

Leave us comments!

xoxo,

Anne & Molly

Being "Bear Aware"

Molly: What a day.  I woke up this morning to the phone ringing and Diva Number One MIA.  It was about 7:40 and the front desk told me that our Yellowstone Tour Guide was waiting for us downstairs.  In my cute PJ pants and sweatshirt, let’s be honest, I was nowhere near ready to deal with this crisis hop on a bus for an all-day tour.  I frantically called Diva 1 to see if she knew what was going on.  A minute later she barges into the room and tell me that we were supposed to go on a tour but she just doesn’t think that we can do it.  I decided that was a good moment to keep my mouth shut and crawl back under the covers. 

Anyway, I didn’t sleep for long.  Anne suggested I get a shower so that if we did sign up for something early I would be ready.  I agreed and went on into the bathroom.  About five minutes later she is shouting “BEAR! MOLLY YOU HAVE TO COME SEE THIS BEAR.” (to your right is said bear, crossing the road) So my half-conditioned hair and I got out of the shower to go see it.  I told Anne she should have bought me some bear spray, but seeing as the bear was still 300 yards away, she said no.  After my shower was completed, the bear had migrated 200 yards CLOSER to us.  I bet she’s reconsidering that bear spray now!  She looked at the bear out the window and pointed to me and informed the bear that he could have me for breakfast.  She is a terrible person. 

We had breakfast and I went out to get a closer view of the bear (to your right in between the two trees), which turned out to be a cub but I swear that thing definitely looked like an enormous grizzly.  Really though.  So I start talking to an employee who is not super reassuring about bear safety.  We really need to invest in some bear spray at this point.

So we call base camp and get my appointment set up to do the zipline.  I should have known something was wrong when she told Mom that it was a “beautiful day.”  It’s 30, snowing, freezing, and cloudy.  And there are bears in the vicinity.  Beautiful day? I think not.  And to make me feel better, Anne decides to tell me how I’m going to have to wear a helmet that someone else has worn (this is like the reason I hate bowling, the shoes.) and that I probably will get lice.  What a wonderful person.  Again, Dad, I’m going to need to be in therapy, (or money for more shoes, and maybe my own helmet!)

So we go to the store before the zipline and I finally break down Anne enough to buy me some bear spray. It’s wonderful because it has a bear safety manual attached and it lasts for five years.  I am so so happy.  I can now use it to threaten Anne when she is getting a little too sassy. 

So I did the zipline and it was basically the best experience of my life.  In true diva fashion, there were supposed to be 9 people and 3 guides on the tour.

However, no one showed up but me.  I told them I could reschedule, but they said it was great so it was just Diva Number Two and three guides hiking up the trails in the snow.  I now love hiking, it’s going to be my favorite new pastime.  I really really like it.  Who ever would have thought that that series of words would come out of my mouth?  Not Diva 1.   But it’s great, I want to hike all the time.  So I get halfway up the mountain and we zip down the first line and then we hike some more and get to the second line.  After the second line you hike a little more and then zip down one more line.  BUT, since I was the only person on the tour today, they said that if I wanted to hike back up the mountain and zip down 2 and 3 again we could.  Obviously I said yes.  It was great, I went upside down for the 3^rd, 4^th, and 5^th ones.  Anne would have been petrified (the tram in Jackson took 15 years off her life already, we wouldn’t want her to be a negative age, seeing as she is only 29 as it is.)  So we hiked back down and I met Diva 1 at the bottom.  She looked thrilled.  Below is a photo of me doing the zipline....this was taken right as I came down from riding upside down.  So much fun.

After this we had lunch and Anne swam her heart out in the freezing cold.  I am now uploading our photos and I think a nap is in my near future.  You know, I had to wake up early to take care of Anne’s faux pas with the Yellowstone guide.  Always looking after her; this is my life. 

Unfortunately, we are leaving a day early tomorrow.  We maybe didn’t look at our trip information and now we realized it was going to be 13 hours from here to Seattle, and Lord knows with all our silly stops it would be 15 or 16 hours, so we are going to split it in half and try and make it to Spokane by tomorrow night.  I’m sad to leave the beautiful snow covered mountains, but I’m going to college, so hopefully I'll be spending a good amount of time in Tahoe this winter!

Anne: Oh, dear. I have created a slight faux pas…a little something short of a major international incident, but I am still very embarrassed. While you-know-who was still enjoying her REM sleep, I had been up, had a shower and gone to the car to get our phone chargers that we couldn’t find in the dark last night. When I walked back into the hotel, I saw the desk clerk and a rather handsome gentleman staring straight at me. My first thought was, “Oh, no, what has Molly done?” especially when he knew my name. But she was still asleep because the desk clerk told me she had woken her up. The man was there to pick us up for our ALL DAY tour of Yellowstone Park. Our itinerary for the next three days was still home in the printer, and the basecamp desk was closed when we got in last night so I couldn’t find out what we were suppose to do today. Obviously, it was the ALL DAY tour of Yellowstone. The thought of going back to Old Faithful one more time was just more than I could handle. It is still cold outside and we still don’t have clothes warm enough to sit in the snow this time. I gave him a tip and sent him on his way without us. I know the other people on the tour were disappointed to learn that the divas were going to be MIA today. It was a rather large bus, so I’m sure there were lots of people to be disappointed. Oh well…life will go on for them.

The highlight so far today has been the bear sighting from our hotel window. It was so exciting that I had to drag Molly from the shower to see. All she kept saying was, “I told you to buy me some bear spray.” Keep in mind we are on the fourth floor of this nice hotel, safely ensconced behind a big glass window. But the bear, which Molly described as a huge grizzly, turned out to be a brown cub. But as she pointed out, the big mother was not far behind.  So while at breakfast, Molly and several others went outside to get a close-up shot of the bear. Everyone else came inside except for Molly and one of the employees who spent at least half an hour assuring her that she would be safe here in bear country. She is about to go on the zip line and has a long hike to get there. There are patrols all around. I’m just betting that she ditches the hike and jumps on an ATV with the patrol people and rides her way to the zipline. Just a hunch…We’ll see when she gets back.

(Before she left on her adventure, we had to go to the store and buy her some bear spray. Now she owes me $54. Four for the previously-mentioned ghost town tour and $50 for bear spray. She tried to explain that it was a real bargain because it lasts for five years.  She didn’t even take it on her adventure because it’s in a can as big as a fire extinguisher…Michael, I hope you didn’t read this last part.)  To the right is Molly and her bear spray.

Well, I was wrong about how she got up to the zipline. But you will love this: we are sitting in the basecamp office waiting for the other eight people to show up to go on the zipline and guess what? They called and rescheduled their activity for 3 p.m. leaving Molly with three guides to herself. How lucky and so diva-like. So, if there had been a bear attack, her odds would have been better: three guides to protect her instead of having one guide to protect three people. Thank goodness they carried bear spray because I was sitting at the basecamp holding hers. And I couldn’t take it back because she had taken it out of its package.

We are back in the room now. What a great day. While Molly decided to skip the ropes course, she went to the lobby to guess what? Upload more photos of herself. I went to the most wonderful hottub/pool I have ever been in. It was huge and hot and was wonderful as I sat there in the sleet, rain and snow. Better that than sitting in the sleet at Old Faithful.

We are going to have a very boring night, just like Molly’s fortune cookie fortune predicted: we are going to watch a movie and go to bed early. We have had to make a change of plans once we sat down long enough to look at our remaining trip for the week. After traveling together for this long, we realize we cannot do a 13-hour day again, so we are splitting the next leg of the trip into two parts. That means we will have to leave here tomorrow to get to Spokane in 7 hours. Then we will get to Seattle on Sunday in about 6 hours. I hate to leave here as you will be able to see from the pictures. We sure do appreciate Taylor Middleton arranging the lovely snow this morning.

We were pretty boring today. But we needed a day to recharge our batteries.

PS. Our big news today was Dad’s USA Today Front Page snapshot about his Saint Index.  Yay Popsicle!

P.P.S Molly: OK, this is just a quick update.  Not in a diva way, but I like my sushi.  Zumi Sushi, PM, and even Whole Foods sushi are my favorite places in Nash.  However, I just walked into the small grocery store here in Montana looking for dinner.   I asked the man at the counter if they had cold things and he directed me to the deli.  I asked if they had sushi, and he literally laughed so hard that he couldn't control himself.  I took that as a no. 
"You aren't from around these parts." he stated.  Well, no duh.  He collected himself long enough to ring up my Vogue, Time, and Lunchable.  He continued to chuckle as I exited his establishment.  Some people. 
Someone is going to have to Fed-Ex me some sushi please.


P.P.P.S. Anne: The only bear we need to see is Bear Bryant.  His birthday is tomorrow.

Leave us comments!

xoxo,

Anne & Molly

Miss Scarlett and Grizzly Adams

Disclaimer:  Today’s blog will probably be pretty lengthy seeing as we got ourselves into plenty of trouble today.  So sit back, grab a drink, and relax as you read.

Molly:  Read my perfectly glossed lips: we are about to get five inches of snow here in Montana.  How does this happen to two always prepared divas?  Well, we are not prepared for snow.  I have bathing suits, sundresses, light sweaters, tank tops, and lots and lots of cute sandals.  I didn’t even bring my Uggs.   But I think we will make do. 

This morning we got up and left beautiful Jackson Hole.  I was sad to leave, but we needed to get on to Montana because we had a late breakfast and I had some trouble getting out of bed this morning!  Thankfully Mom left me alone so I could finally get a complete REM cycle in.  It was pouring rain and colder than I have been lately (until now, obviously.)  So we put on our raincoats, hopped into the car, and headed out.  As we leave, we decide to read the summary of our wildlife tour yesterday.  The naturalist had written all of the moose, deer, etc. that we had seen—very helpful.  Then we read (“2 Chipmunks.”) Ok, obviously someone thought we were city girls and had never seen a chipmunk before now.  We died laughing.

We finally got on US 191 heading north to Montana.  So, we go through Teton National Park and we’re about to get into Yellowstone when we notice that there is a bright flashing light telling us that we have low tire pressure in one tire.  Then a few minutes later, we have low pressure in two tires.  Now, I took a “Tool Time” class freshman year, but let’s be honest, this diva was not prepared to sit on the side of a forest and change a tire in the freezing rain while a bear ate my mother.  Especially since I found out that pepper spray doesn’t actually work on baers.

So, Anne looks at me and I look at her and we decide this just will not work, so we go looking for the only service station in the national forest/part/wherever we were at this point.  We get to the service station to see in big white letters “SELF SERVICE.”  Obviously that was not going to work for us.  So Diva Number One sent me running inside in the rain to talk to who will we now refer to as “Grizzly Adams.”  What a sass.  I pulled out my Southern drawl and politely asked if he knew how to fix our tires.  Maybe he didn’t understand me correctly, because he pointed me to the self-service area and handed me a tire-pressure checker.  No, no, no.  So, I told him (not in a stupid way, just in a diva way) that I couldn’t possibly know how to do that by myself in the rain and luckily he came out there and checked everything out for us.

Now, I know you may be thinking I sound a little dumb blonde here, but to make you feel better, he asked Mom what the tire pressure was supposed to be and she told him 240.  It was really only 35.  We are great.  So, it checked out normally and we were back on the road.  Grizzly Adams waved goodbye.

Then we went to see Old Faithful (as seen above and to the left).  OK, kind of pretty but I won’t lie, it was anti-climactic.  We sat in the 40 degree rain for 45 minutes to see some water that only lasted for 45 seconds.  And Anne likes her personal space and apparently I was getting all up in it.  And we sat next to some relatives of the Duggars who were obviously judging my shorts.  Mom said they probably said a silent prayer for me (and the way I was dressed)

On the road, we had many funny conversations.  I will give you a couple snippets:

1. Anne has been carrying around peanut butter she stole from the Holiday Inn in Omaha and keeps threatening to use it to attract bears to eat me.  Today she said “It’s going to be hard to run when you’re smeared in peanut butter and the car door is locked.”  Again, where is the DCS here?

2. We were driving the scenic route through Yellowstone and Anne says “Would you like to go see the Geyser Falls?” (which was right ahead of us.)  I said “sure!” and we drove right past.  I reiterated, “I said SURE!” and Anne replied “Oh, I thought you said no.  I really don’t want to go see it.”  Obviously my senior citizen has selective hearing loss.

Anyway, after all of this I am definitely going to need to be in long-term therapy.  Although, Dad, if you want to forward me the therapy money we can just use it at the Nordstrom in Seattle, that might make up for the long-term mental and emotional turmoil that I am being subjected to.

Also, we have a couple other things to clear up.  Many of you are asking why Diva Number One has been missing from the photos.  Well, her latest stories are 1. That she has ancient Native American beliefs that her spirit will show up in the photo and 2. That she has people from her past who might be looking for her.  I think she’s just worried that if her photo is up too many unruly people will start asking for her autograph.

Also, Dad commented about being our business advisor.  We are now accepting applications for business advisor, so Dad, you can email us your resume.   These Divas are pretty selective.  J

Here is Diva Number One!

Anne: Whew! Hope y’all are relaxing for a long blog read. So much happened today that I can barely remember everything. We are at Big Sky Resort. It is awesome! I cannot imagine how beautiful it is in the snow…but it won’t take me long to find out. We are expecting five inches tonight! But first let me start from the beginning of the day...

We are very lucky that Diva Number 1 is still here. While you know who was still getting her much talked about REM sleep, I went to the pool. It was in the 30s outside, but the pool was heated. No problem, I thought. I was so cold, I couldn’t get out. So, I was stuck in the pool with my head mostly underwater for an hour. You know who would NEVER have come looking for me. Finally, I jumped out and ran to the car and raced to the condo. But I forgot the Grey Ghost/Goose has cloth seats, so all the way to Montana I sat on a wet car seat. But that is the least of our troubles…

We HATED leaving Jackson Hole. Molly did want to stop for a few more pictures of herself but luckily it was pouring rain and she didn’t want to get her hair wet. So we drove along, hoping to see more wild animals on this very long ride through the national parks. As we were driving I looked down and a flashing light said RR tire low. Add air. Well, there we were on the range with no gas station in sight and no cell phone service. And, of course, we never did pick up that Garmin because we wanted to spend that money on shoes at Nordstrom, as we might have mentioned once or twice before. Anyway, I looked down again, and the light now said RR tire low and LR tire low.  I looked at Molly and tell her we will be riding on the rims because I am NOT unpacking this car to find a spare tire.

Finally, we made it to the ranger station and the ranger directed us to a gas station 15 minutes away. We pulled into this most awful place with the bathrooms on the outside. Really, how long has it been since you’ve seen that? Got that mental picture yet? Molly fluffs her hair, adjusts her shorts, looks at me and tells me in the most exaggerated Southern accent that she will handle this. She jumps out of the car and goes into this tiny, tiny station. I wait and wait in the car while the Diva has gone in to work her magic on the proprietor, Grizzly Adams. He didn’t fall for it. She goes into this long explanation about why we were there at his station and finally he looks at her and says, “Just tell me what the problem is.” She was deflated, just as much as the tires were. He then hands her the tire pressure tool. She looked at him and handed it back and said she didn’t have a clue what that was for. Finally, he came out in the rain and checked all four tires. I gave him a $20 to make up for Molly, and he suddenly got a lot nicer. He said we would be fine…little did he know.

So, on we drive and drive through the Tetons and into Yellowstone, which Molly referred to as a rain forest because we were in a forest and it was raining. We decided we would stop at Old Faithful since she believed we were going to pass it anyway. Keep in mind she wasn’t sure since her map-reading skills have not improved since the first second we got into the car on day one and we still don’t have cell service to get our GPS working. We arrive at Old Faithful and park. I thought at the time that maybe we should get different clothes out of the trunk and find a place to change. It’s 45 and raining. But we are in shorts and flip-flops and think we can tough it out because surely this won’t take long. We march to our places on the front row, of course, and sit in the rain wondering why we are there when suddenly these people who have to be kin to the Duggars sit down next to Molly. I am hollering by this time and begging Molly to take their picture. She won’t do it, the wimp. Finally, we see Old Faithful, take a few pictures of you know who in front of it, and start walking to the car. All of a sudden, we pass a HEARSE. Yes, a HEARSE in the parking lot with a Ghostbusters sticker on it.  I’m looking in the windows thinking maybe someone wanted to see Old Faithful once more before heading to his final resting place. I can barely walk I’m laughing so hard. But alas, someone had just converted the hearse to a station wagon and it was only loaded with camping gear, not a body. This was almost as disappointing as the postage stamp incident, previously mentioned in day one.

We only got lost once trying to leave Old Faithful. We circled the parking lot, passed the hearse once more, and finally found the right road. Molly looks at me and says, “Well, that was a disappointment. For all of that, I could just have put some water in my mouth and spit it out and we wouldn’t have had to sit and wait in the cold and the rain.” I almost ran off the road picturing that. The Clampetts went to Old Faithful. And the Duggars.

So here we are in Montana at this most beautiful resort run by the brother of a friend of mine from college. Morris Middleton is my friend and his brother is Taylor. They grew up in Georgiana.  Y’all should come visit here. Everyone in the restaurant was either from Alabama or was an Alabama fan. It’s great. The desk clerk went to Ole Miss. We are at home here with our people. Anyway, these Alabama people are flying in ribs from Dreamland for the game Saturday night. Aaaahhh. This is great.

Well, we have a busy day tomorrow…the zip line and ropes course. I believe we might cancel the whitewater rafting trip because we are unprepared in the clothing department. It’s a bit chilly here. We have to choose between buying heavy-duty clothes here or visiting the shoe department at Nordstrom’s. Did I mention that before? Until tomorrow…

We’ll update tomorrow from Antarctica.  Leave us comments!

Xoxo,

Anne & Molly

Ps. I know I wasn’t supposed to read Anne’s post and then refute things, but I need to clear this up.  Anne didn’t give Grizzly Adam’s a $20 because of me, it was the only change she had.  Sass.  He loved me.

Divas in Disagreement

Well Diva Number One and I are no longer speaking.  I wish that I could say that it was my fault, but let's be honest, it's not.  I cannot release details of the disagreement at this time, but I can let you know that the altercation occurred in the Jackson Hole K-Mart.

Anne is getting a big 'ole Time Out until she finally comes to her senses.  I hate to punish my mother, but I know that it is what is best for her.  She cannot go undisciplined.

Wish us well, and hopefully Diva Number One will do something to redeem herself tomorrow.

xoxo,
The Innocent Diva

(This is the longest I've ever gone without talking....it's been a good hour.  I'm just letting everyone know!)

I'm Kind of Famous...Yeah...I Write A Blog

Molly: I don’t think our blog is quite as funny today (just a personal opinion) because Anne & I have tried REALLY hard to be on our best behavior.  Obviously that failed about 50% of the time, but imagine if we had lost all of our impeccable self control…

So, yesterday at 6pm when I signed up for the “dawn safari” I thought this was a wonderful idea.  At 6am when I tried to roll out of bed I silently cursed myself for trying to pack it all in.  Of course, Diva Number One had already had two cups of coffee, a shower, and had been watching the stars outside in the pitch black dark.  So, admittedly, I was not enthusiastic about her overly-chipper demeanor.  So I put on my 50 layers of clothing (note; Diva Number One only had two layers on and seemed to be doing fine and I was colder than a popsicle.)  Below is the view outside one of the bedrooms...SO BEAUTIFUL!

HOWEVER, our tour was wonderful, and very diva-like.  We were the only two people on a 25 person tour bus.  Just us and the guide.  The small number gave us lots of personal attention and time for sassy questions, which of course we had, and lots of space to sprawl ourselves out.  I sat in almost every seat over the course of four hours (I thought I should get the full experience.) We saw moose (see below)

 and deer, and birds, and a bald eagle, and BISON.  I now love bison.  They are very sassy.  I like them because they look all cute and cuddly but are the most dangerous animal in the area and they are really vicious on the inside.  Kind of like me and Anne.  J  Anyway, we found a HUGE herd of bison right off the road, and we stopped and watched them for a while.  I found a favorite bison, he was the most grumpy and the largest and I named him Chunk.  I thought he was adorable and Mom told me that if I loved him so much I could have him for dinner.  She is SO mean.  Below is a photo of my beloved Chunk.  Below Chunk is a bison fight!

We even went on a nature hike this morning to see a beaver dam…except the beavers had left…which was kind of awkward but we got over it.  There were also elk tracks, I was a little worried for Diva Number One and myself…we would not have done well in an elk stampede.   Here are some photos from the nature hike: 

I also got to hold authentic antlers..and pet fur.  Mom thought this was gross..the Diva just couldn't handle it. I loved it (as seen above!)

After our lovely wilderness safari/exploration, we came back to the house for a little and then went out into Jackson to find the tram to the top of Rendezvous Mountain.  Anne has a fear of heights, but she braved the tram anyway.  She told everyone on the tram that she hoped we would make it to the top and she even offered to help the tram driver drive if he needed any help.  He didn't, obviously. So on this tram, we meet our new best friend, Ed, who is our tram driver/person.  He is hilarious and he tells us that Rendez-vous means “meeting place” and Apres-Vous means “after you.”  He was very proud of his knowledge of the French language.  Anyway, Ed and I got into a picture, because I told him I wrote a blog and that meant I was famous.  Mom and I laughed for a LONG time after that one…

It is so beautiful here and I do not want to leave Jackson Hole!  I will definitely be coming back here…probably sans Diva Number One.  (There’s some more French for you!)   Tonight we are going to go to dinner and then probably come and hole up in our house, (we are SO tired).  So I will hand it over to Diva Number One now!

Anne: Whew! Made it down that mountain with my life intact. Who cares about Molly? We have had the most wonderful day, even if it did start a little early! We loved being the only ones on the dawn safari so we could have the naturalist all to ourselves. We can't decide if everyone heard we would be on the tour and then cancelled their reservations or what happened, but we were two very lucky divas. We had a hike and it was a bit treacherous over some parts of the trail. Molly kept trying to nudge between the naturalist and me so she could be in the middle. I thought at first maybe she was having a hard time hearing that early in the morning. But later she told me that she tried to stay in the middle because in case of a bear attack, she would be wedged between the other two of us and would be less likely to be eaten first. She will be punished for this.


So after we got through, we went to ride the tram to the top of Rendez-vous Mountain. I am a little afraid of heights, but I wasn't going to let Molly go alone. In hindsight, I might should have. She had every stranger on the tram taking her picture at some point.  She went to the Top of the Mountain and when I saw her, she was posed like that woman in the Titanic movie, with her arms outstretched and the wind blowing her hair. Some poor man was taking her picture over and over because she wasn't satisfied with his photographic skills. I turned my back and acted like I didn't know her.  She told that poor young man who operated the tram that she was famous because she had a blog. He couldn't wait to jump in the picture with her. Imagine his disappointment when he can't find her on Google...


We are being real nice and trying to make y'all proud of us. We get up every morning and put on our makeup and wear nice tourist clothes. But I just have to tell you, there are some pretty embarrassing Americans touring America with us. We are the youngest by about 50 years in many of the places we go. All the young families are back for school, so that leaves the Divas and the rest. Hhmmm. 


Jackson Hole is beautiful. I was up so early this morning so I could sit outside in the dark and look at the stars. They were so bright and there was lightning over the mountains. We will be sad to leave tomorrow. At some point, we have to find a car wash. The Grey Ghost/Goose looks black now because of the dust we drove in yesterday. We don't want to be tacky tourists, so we will clean it up before we head north. We are off for a good meal tonight, even though you know who wants to call room service. She should have napped during the rainstorm this afternoon like I did, but she was too busy putting all the pictures of herself on her computer. More tomorrow!


Molly: I just attempted to edit Diva Number One's post and I think she nearly cut my hand off.  Leave us comments!

xoxo,
Anne & Molly